There’s a lot of shame around sex. Many people are afraid to explore certain things sexually because of beliefs they have that were passed down to them from their parents, from their community, from their religion. Because of these damaging beliefs, most people don’t realize that there’s even such a thing as sacred sex, or that sex can actually be very, very healing.
Hell, I should know. I was one of them.
If you’re not familiar with my story, here’s the short version: I grew up Catholic. I hated myself, had low self-esteem, was uber judgmental and critical of others. And I constantly beat myself up for having lustful thoughts and, once I got to college, for masturbating. I didn’t have my first serious relationship until I was almost 23, which was fine. But what didn’t work was that, even though I’d left the Roman Catholic Church, I didn’t know how to heal my sexual shame on my own. And my partner had no tools of his own to support me.
Ultimately, I didn’t know how to proactively, kindly, and firmly advocate for what I needed to feel sexually fulfilled without feeling frustrated or like a bad girlfriend.
Eventually, that partner and I broke up, and I began experimenting, exploring ways that I could bring more intimacy, healing, and exploration into sex with future partners. And into my own solo sex practice. As part of that exploration process, I learned how to have sacred sex with myself and with others.
Now, I almost always use solo and partnered sex for healing of some sort. And it’s great.
These five strategies are some of the best I’ve found to make sex more connective, intimate, and healing. If you try any of them, I’d love to hear how they work for you.
1. Set an intention for sacred sex.
Whether you’re engaging in solo or partnered sex, setting an intention is a powerful way to frame your entire experience. This is, by far, the most important strategy I’ve encountered for making sex sacred and connective instead of shame-inducing.
One thing to keep in mind about intentions: energy follows intention. So, I advise my clients to think of something broader than “I want to have an amazing orgasm.” By choosing a powerful intention, you will automatically have a powerful experience.
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I feel best when I ask for someone else’s healing; the truth is that it often brings me healing, too. So, for example, if my partner were going to get an MRI, I might set the intention that they feel supported and calm during the procedure.
Because I am giving selflessly in that scenario, I feel satisfied when I orgasm. Complete. How can I feel ashamed when I directed this powerful sexual energy toward someone else’s good?
Even when my intention has been for my own healing, the result is MUCH more powerful than when my focus has been on the orgasm itself. After all, by being more healed myself, I bring more joy to the world and can hold greater space for others during their healing.
You can also set an intention with partnered sex to make it connective, juicy, wonderful. One great way to do this is to sit across from your partner and decide together BEFORE things get sexy what you want to experience. If you’re kinky, you can also incorporate intention-setting into your pre-scene negotiation.
2. Breathe.
This might seem like a simple strategy, but a lot of people (especially women) don’t do this during sex. For example, I still hold my breath a lot of the time. And growing up, I would hold it as part of my fight-flight-freeze response: if I’m not breathing and I’m frozen, no one can see me. They won’t judge me. I can use the held breath as a barrier or wall to withstand whatever criticism comes. Those were some of the beliefs I had growing up, at least.
Here’s the problem, though: breath is life force. And sexual energy is a form of life force. If I’m holding my breath, I’m automatically restricting how powerful my orgasm can be and how widely the orgasmic energy will spread through my body.
In fact, if I’m practicing solo sex, and I’ve been touching myself for awhile, and I’m getting close and I haven’t come yet, I check in with myself… am I breathing fully and deeply? 99% of the time, the answer is no. When I’m in that state and I start to breathe intentionally, I have a powerful whole-body orgasm within 30 seconds.
So, bring breathing into your sacred sex practice. And encourage your partners to breathe! No matter how you’re practicing, breathing will intensify the pleasure and support you in releasing any trapped emotions that come up for you.
3. Practice good aftercare.
If you’re kinky, you’re likely already familiar with aftercare. In kink and BDSM, aftercare is what the Top/Dom (the giver) provides to the bottom/sub (the receiver) after a scene to support them physically and emotionally so that they feel nurtured. Aftercare can include many things such as a drawn bath, snuggles and cuddling, back scratches, a full-body massage, or even sex.
Here’s the thing, though: you can give yourself aftercare after solo sex, and you can practice good aftercare with your partner EVEN IF the sex isn’t kinky.
Think of aftercare like self-care after your sexual practice. What do you need after solo sex or partnered sex to feel cared for?
For me, I usually stay in bed for a few minutes after I masturbate and imagine that one of my partners is spooning me. By taking the few extra minutes to rest and stay in the space that I’ve just created post-orgasm, I feel like I’m emotionally taking care of myself. Cuddling with myself is especially important for me if I have a powerful emotional release (read: crying or screaming) during orgasm.
It might take you some time to identify what aftercare practices are best for you, and that’s okay. And what you want for aftercare may change over time or vary depending on what you experience during your sacred sex practice. Just make sure that you’re approaching yourself with love, tenderness, and compassion, and all will be well.
4. Change your language.
Language is one of the most powerful tools known to man. Language is how I create my reality, and it’s how you create yours, too. What you think about, what you say, is what you see in your life. Words are a medium through which you design your world.
Even beyond that, each and every word has an energetic frequency and vibration. That means the words that I use are important because they can cause me to have different beliefs, different emotions, even different physiological responses.
Here are a few relevant examples:
- Masturbation vs. solo sex practice
- Relationship vs. partnership
- Tolerating vs. accepting vs. embracing
Changing your language extends well beyond switching up some phrases. Just observe how you think and talk about sex for the next week. Do you view it as an obligation? Do you see sex as something that can bring you and your partner closer? What words do you use to describe the sex that you’re having currently? Do those words match the kind of sex you’d like to have?
Just notice what comes up for you when you answer these questions. And don’t judge yourself if you have some language around sex that doesn’t support the kind of sex you want to have. Just change it. ????
5. Shift your perspective.
While setting an intention for your session, breathing, practicing good aftercare, and changing your language around sex are all super beneficial, sometimes a larger paradigm shift is necessary. For example, when I was in my early 20s, I had the belief that “masturbation was bad” and “I needed to please my partner through sex.”
More recently, I’ve chosen to look at sex as a way to express love for myself and for others and to find greater union with them. And asking myself: how can I give or receive more fully in this moment?
I’ve also chosen to expand my definition of sex, and that’s been wildly supportive to me. Barbara Carrellas, the author of Urban Tantra, defines sex as “anything that increases the potential for orgasm.” Not just intercourse. Not just oral. Not just anything that results in orgasm.
That means, using Carrellas’ definition, salsa dancing could be sex. A deep, intimate conversation could be sex. Gazing into my partner’s eyes could be sex. Gazing into a mirror and telling myself I love myself could be sex. Spooning my partner in bed could be sex. Flogging (or being flogged) on a spanking bench could be sex.
When I expand my definition of what sex is, I’m less attached to having intercourse or just one kind of sex. I can experience and explore the richness that life has to offer, and I can also challenge myself to be fully present with whatever activity in which I’m engaging.
The schlong and the short of it
Ultimately, creating a sacred sex practice that heals you rather than shames you is a journey. It’s not something that happens overnight. And, by practicing these strategies consistently, you can change your relationship with sex pretty quickly.
For more individualized support, I encourage you to book a complimentary call with me and learn more about 1-on-1 sex and intimacy coaching. During the call, I focus first and foremost on bringing you clarity about your situation, and we identify at least two key actions that you can begin working toward the very next day. So, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. You can book that call here.
And the most important thing: don’t ever give up on yourself. You are beautiful, you are beloved, and you deserve to have an amazing sex life, whatever that means for you.
To your empowerment,
Kelly Noel ????